SOMEWHERE IN SOUTHERN MISSOURI, WE CAME TO THE TOP OF A HILL AND YOU COULD SEE THE STICK-DOT OF SOMEONE STANDING NEXT TO THE ROAD NEAR THE BRIDGE. WHEN DAD STOPPED THE VAN, HIS FOREARM WAS RESTING HALF WAY OUT THE OPEN WINDOW. WHERE YOU GOING? HE ASKED HER.
CLEVELAND, SHE SAID.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA HURT MY BOYS, ARE YOU? HE SAID, I GOT MY BOYS TRAVELING WITH ME.
SHE HADN'T NOTICED ME AND MARK IN THE BACK SEAT, WHAT WITH ALL THE JUNK IN THE VAN.
NO, SHE SAID, HOW COULD I HURT THEM WITH YOU AROUND?
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
JACKIE.
IS THAT YOUR REAL NAME, DAD SMILED, OOO -OO OOO, HOOO, JACKIE BLUE.
WE STOPPED DRIVING EARLY THAT DAY. DAD STOPPED ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF ST LOUIS. LET'S GET SOMETHING TO EAT, HE SAID, I'M NOT GONNA TRY TO DRIVE THROUGH ST LOUIS DURING RUSH HOUR. WE WENT TO TACO BELL. USUALLY, DAD WOULD STOP AT A GROCERY STORE. THAT FAST FOOD CRAP HAS TOO MUCH SALT AND YOU NEVER KNOW IF THEY COOK THE MEAT, HE ALWAYS SAID WHEN MARK AND I ASKED HIM FOR MCDONALDS. DAD KEPT LAUGHING REAL LOUD EVERY TIME JACKIE MADE A JOKE. AFTER DINNER, HE STOPPED AT A 7-11 AND GOT A CASE OF BEER. HIM AND JACKIE PASSED ONE BACK AND FORTH AS WE DROVE INTO TOWN. WE WENT TO A PARK UNDER THE ARCH, MARK AND I WERE THROWING A FOOTBALL BACK AND FORTH, AND DAD WAS LAYING ON A BLANKET WITH JACKIE. THEY HAD THE BEER UNDER ANOTHER BLANKET. I SAW HIM KISS HER ONCE, AND WHEN WE GOT TIRED, HE HAD HIS ARM DRAPED OVER HER AS WE WALKED BACK TO THEM.
I LIKED HER AROUND. SHE REMINDED ME OF MOM.
WE HAD BLANKETS BY THE BACK DOOR OF THE VAN, WHERE MARK AND I SLEPT. ON THE ROAD, WE SLEPT WHEN THE SUN WENT DOWN AND GOT UP WHEN THE LIGHT WOKE DAD UP. HE'D SLEEP IN THE MIDDLE SEAT. SO COPS DRIVING PAST DON'T SEE ME IN THE FRONT AND HASSLE ME, HE SAID, BUT SO SOMEONE COMING TO BREAK IN WOULD SEE ME AND GO AWAY. TONIGHT, THOUGH, HIM AND JACKIE WERE FINISHING THE BEER AND LISTENING TO THE RADIO IN THE FRONT SEAT. MARK WAS SNORING WHEN I WOKE UP. YOU COULD ALWAYS TELL WHEN MARK WAS SLEEPING.
NOT WITH THE KIDS HERE, I HEARD JACKIE SAY.
KEEP IT DOWN, DAD SAID, YOU BETTER NOT WAKE THEM UP.
I DON'T WANT TO, SHE WHISPERED.
LOOSEN UP, HE SAID, IT WILL BE A GOOD TIME.
NO.
I HEAD THEM WRESTLING, SHE STARTED TO PANT, THEN THERE WAS A SILENCE AND SHE SAID, I'LL SCREAM.
THIS IS BLUE-BLACK, HE SAID, BLUE-BLACK IS FOR SCREAMERS. I REMEMBERED DAD TRYING TO TEACH MARK HOW TO SHARPEN BLUE-BLACK. A KNIFE, DAD ALWAYS SAID, WILL NOT GET YOU INTO NEARLY AS MUCH TROUBLE WITH THE COPS AS A GUN WILL.
A ZIPPER ZIPPED, AND THEN THE VAN STARTED TO SWAY. I LOOKED THROUGH THE BUBBLE WINDOW AT THE FUNNY CURVED SHAPE OF THE ARCH ABOVE US. IT WENT UP INTO THE DARKNESS. FUZZY CARPET WAS AROUND THE WINDOW. I HEARD A SQUIRT GUN, REAL QUIET, AND I REMEMBERED BEING ON THE BEACH AT CORPUS CHRISTI. DAD WAS BREATHING HARD LIKE WHEN HE'D DO SPRINTS WHEN WE WERE JOGGING. THERE WAS SEAWEED AND PART OF A FISH AND DRIED LOGS AND SHELLS AT THE BEACH. I KEPT A SHELL WITH RED AND BLUE STRIPES ON IT.
I HEARD A ZIPPER AGAIN. JACKIE WAS CRYING. WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP, SHE SAID, WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP.
KEEP IT DOWN, DAD SAID, YOU'RE GOING TO WAKE THE KIDS. I COULD TELL HE WAS GETTING MAD. I WANTED TO TELL HER TO BE CAREFUL. I THOUGHT ABOUT TELLING HIM I WAS ALREADY AWAKE, BUT THEN I WAS AFRAID HE'D GET MAD AT ME. SHE SOBBED, TAKE ME TO THE BUS STATION.
SMACK.
MARK WOKE UP BEFORE I KNEW IT AND JUMPED UP TO LOOK OVER THE SEAT. I JUMPED UP TO LOOK TOO. DAD WAS LEANING ACROSS THE BUCKET SEATS ON TOP OF JACKIE. HER DRESS WAS PUSHED UP OVER HER WAIST. BLUE-BACK WAS ON THE DASH BOARD. HE SAW US, AND YELLED, GOD DAMN IT, I TOLD YOU NOT TO WAKE THEM UP, YOU CAN GET THE FUCK OUT. HE OPENED HER DOOR. DON'T LEAVE ME HERE, SHE SAID, SUDDENLY CRYING EVEN MORE.
GET IN THE BACK, DAD YELLED AT US. WE WERE ALREADY IN THE BACK, BUT WE SAT BACK DOWN ON THE BLANKETS WHERE HE COULDN'T SEE US. WE HEARD HIS DOOR OPEN AND SAW HIS SHADOW PASS THE BACK OF THE VAN. HE JERKED HER DOOR OPEN AND YOU COULD HEAR HER FALLING OUT OF THE VAN. WE PEAKED OVER THE SEAT. HE SAW US WHEN HE OPENED THE SLIDING DOOR TO GRAB HER BAG. WHAT YOU FUCKING LOOKING AT? HE SAID AND WE DROPPED BACK ONTO OUR BLANKETS. HER BAG HIT THE ASPHALT, AND DAD SLAMMED HER DOOR, AND WE SAW HIS SHADOW AGAIN. HE STARTED THE VAN AND PEELED OUT. I COULD SEE HER SITTING DOWN NEXT TO HER BAG, NEXT TO THE ROAD HUGGING HER KNEES. I SAW THE SHADOW OF HER THROUGH THE TINTED SIDE-WINDOW AS DAD SPED OFF.
DAD TURNED ON THE RADIO. IT'S HER SONG, HE SAID TO HIMSELF, AND HE SANG, WHAT'S A GAME GIRL, IF YOU NEVER LOSE.
I FELT SPUN AROUND BY THE MOTION OF THE ON-RAMP, AND THEN DAD GUNNED IT. WE MERGED BESIDE THE SPINNING WHEELS OF A SEMI TRAILER. DAD ROLLED DOWN THE WINDOWS AND THE RUSH OF THE AIR DROWNED OUT HIS VOICE. MARK NUDGED ME AND MADE A MOTION WITH HIS HANDS. ONE INDEX FINGER GOING BACK AND FORTH INSIDE THE CIRCLE MADE WITH THE THUMB AND A FINGER FROM HIS OTHER HAND. HE'D BEEN ASLEEP. I TURNED AWAY FROM HIM. THE WIND WAS COLD. I COVERED MY HEAD WITH THE BLANKET. IT SMELLED LIKE A TENT. I LIKED IT BETTER WHEN WE WERE CAMPING. WHEN NOONE ELSE WAS AROUND.
HEY, DAD YELLED, SORRY I YELLED AT YOU. I LOVE YOU GUYS. MARK AND I LOOKED AT EACH OTHER, BUT DIDN'T MOVE.